Don't Bury the Lead
June 22, 2009
by David Krell
david@davidkrell.com
I recently attended an event at a world-famous sports arena. Upon leaving, I noticed a glossy flyer describing the arena's charity.
Unfortunately, I also noticed the flyer's content.
It buried the lead.
For this exercise, let's call the charity and arena XYZ Charity and Sports Arena respectively. Because XYZ Charity focuses on children, you would think the lead sentence would read something like this: XYZ Charity helps children in need.
Instead, the rather cold language on the actual flyer reads: XYZ Charity is a 501(c)(3) non-profit charity that works closely with all areas of Sports Arena, including [list of teams and television subsidiaries] "to make dreams come true for kids in crisis."
By the time I got through the 501(c)(3) designation and the list of a half-dozen areas of the Sports Arena, I was confused.
The message of helping kids got lost in the corporate-speak. The message I received was the number of organizations related to Sports Arena and an IRS label, not the inspiration I'm sure XYZ Charity wanted to trigger in me and other patrons.
The first sentence in writing -- any writing -- will set tone, attract interest, and create curiosity concerning the rest of the message. Take a cue from good news writing. Make the lead enticing so that the reader will want to read further.
david@davidkrell.com
I recently attended an event at a world-famous sports arena. Upon leaving, I noticed a glossy flyer describing the arena's charity.
Unfortunately, I also noticed the flyer's content.
It buried the lead.
For this exercise, let's call the charity and arena XYZ Charity and Sports Arena respectively. Because XYZ Charity focuses on children, you would think the lead sentence would read something like this: XYZ Charity helps children in need.
Instead, the rather cold language on the actual flyer reads: XYZ Charity is a 501(c)(3) non-profit charity that works closely with all areas of Sports Arena, including [list of teams and television subsidiaries] "to make dreams come true for kids in crisis."
By the time I got through the 501(c)(3) designation and the list of a half-dozen areas of the Sports Arena, I was confused.
The message of helping kids got lost in the corporate-speak. The message I received was the number of organizations related to Sports Arena and an IRS label, not the inspiration I'm sure XYZ Charity wanted to trigger in me and other patrons.
The first sentence in writing -- any writing -- will set tone, attract interest, and create curiosity concerning the rest of the message. Take a cue from good news writing. Make the lead enticing so that the reader will want to read further.